ghost

disappearing

                scratched outlines
            nacreously gleam
        replacing devoured matter

               —irreversible

                            I float into
                 vague silhouettes
          an opalescent specter

                           —hardly visible

                 a flickering
                        ghost dissolving
            into obscure bleakness

                 —translucent

           I move
                  through thick
              haziness

                                  —refracted

                     dimmed light
              can’t illuminate
         a shaded core

            —barely noticed

       I fade
           to intangible
                  indistinctness

           —disappearing—

                smoldering pain
                         traces
                 callous patterns

        —branded

                         looming sharply
          below the iridescent surface
                   of faked stability

                             —comatose

                          raw breaches crack
                    crippling numbness
              open scarred wounds

—(almost) collapsing

                          I bleed
                   out of the dark
                fissure inside of me

          —searing

                                     the contours 
                            increase
              as I return (to myself)

                            no longer
                                         a ghost
                              I’ve become

                      —antifragile

Living between the extremes determines my life. I feel too much. Black or white - nothing in between. 

When I can’t handle this, I shut down everything for a while, until there’s nothing left but grey numbness.

There were so many times in my life when I felt nothing, because feeling anything would have been too hard to take.

Last year was different than the other times before. Instead of just becoming numb, I started disappearing. I shrank until I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.

It was the first time that what was happening wasn’t under my control. 

I couldn’t stop the disappearing.

Finally, things changed and I’m slowly finding my way back to who I’ve always been.

Being nothing is so much worse than feeling nothing.

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Please check out Mondayswife latest post to find out more about being „antifragile“. When I read it yesterday I realized that this is what I’m searching for.