dark patterns

breathe again

         glistening 
              sunlight ruptures
                    dark dense clouds

                          disrupts
                   the narrow
             tightness

       that diminished
          detained me
             —for too long

                        fading
                I lost
                            my colors

          remaining
               only outlines
                        a ghost
                                        haunting 

              empty corners
                             of pain

                         the core
                   hidden beneath
                 layers of numbness
                     —flickering

                     waiting
                in deep
          hibernation

              for a spark
                  of hope
                     to ignite

                         to burn down
                the papier mâché facade
                                I’ve become

       to find
                     the portal
                                          and rise


                  black phoenix
             resurrected
        once again

                          I died
                                  many times
                        before

          —but

                 this death
                    was the hardest
                                —by far

               lost inside
                   what held me (hostage)
                what I’d become

                        —a paling shade

                   not knowing
              if I still
         had wings

                      struggled through
                           my darkest night

              but

                        I’m still here

               unshrinking
                     rising
                 flying

           dark patterns

                        not as a prison
                            but
                                as a backstop

     this time

           finally
             —I can

                    tear up
                        the constricting
                           heaviness
                  slowly
           suffocating me

                   and breathe
                        again

This year was one of the hardest in my life (I guess I mentioned that before), but finally I found the portal I was searching for so desperately. Things seem to fall into place, not a second too late. 

The pressure that was on me affected my physical and mental health. It felt like being stretched on a rack. 

But I also learned a lot this year. I realized more than ever before that everyone has their own agenda, so don’t trust what people tell you. 

I bent but never broke. I flexed back into who I really am. Finally. 

A ghost walking through my own life, I hardly knew myself anymore. That wasn’t me, I didn’t like the person I’ve become. The worst for be was not knowing if I can ever be who I used to be again. 

It felt like I had lost my spark.

But it’s funny how things can reshape just by one little thing changing.

„Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.“
—Anaïs Nin